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Sunday, April 30, 2006

Jake Gyllenhaal Offends Gulf War Veterans
"The US soldiers were sent to the desert for 122 days and they sat in the same tent and did nothing, except a little too much masturbating."

Well, that's pretty much what Swoffie wrote in his book, but nobody gave him shit for it at the time.
Murky scandal threatens to topple French prime minister
Villepin up to his eyeballs in the dirt, but does anyone care?
Egyptians fighting a "Tora Bora Battle of Sinai"
Not that you'd ever hear this on TV!
'Sleep Violence' Sufferer Attacked Wife Nightly
Egads! First sleep-eating, now this!!
Brothel Brothers Get 50 Years In Prison
'What I would like to say to the victims - it's their word against mine,' said a remorseless Gerardo Flores Carreto
Sleep Eaters Have No Idea They're Eating
Caught on video! Sleepwalking, sleepeating - one shudders to think what other things we might do when asleep!
Holla Back New York City!
Watch out all you NY dirtbag freaks! These folks will post their cellphone photos of your sicko weirdness for all to see!
Pete Doherty arrested again
Such a pity - he had to miss his gig at the "Love Music Hate Racism" rally in Trafalgar Square. That's what happens when you get photographed injecting an unconscious woman with heroin.
Al-Qaeda in retreat?
Learning the hard way that this is not 1968, or 1993...

Saturday, April 29, 2006

Euro tolerance update:
"Black visitors to the World Cup in Germany are being warned to stay clear of parts of the country where they could be at risk of racist attacks"
Vet faked dog's death
"When I heard she was still alive I literally screamed and went into hysterics and I was in shock for three days," Dana Ganyer said. "My nerves were totally torn up that this vet could do this."

More proof that the modern world loves death more than life.
Virtual Tours
The latest in stupidity for patethic Russian status-seekers.
BASE Concepts: Authority
In honor of Jeb Corliss, the BASE jumper who got busted at the Empire State Building the other day, here's Iiro Seppanen explaining a BASE jumper's view authoritah and how to get around it.

Friday, April 28, 2006

The Foam Monster That Ate Ellsworth Air Base
Outstanding photo series of a foam fire suppression test that went a bit out of control...
Authorities baffled by dog's death
"Clad in a T-shirt, blue jeans, socks, tennis shoes and a tan baseball cap."
Trapped inside a Disneyland costume
The horror, the horror...
Jury awards spanked employee $500K
Fresno in the news again!
Cops stop fall guy
He wanted to base jump from the Empire State Building
Pete Doherty SPECTACULAR!
This is just awesome. He is beyond the gift that keeps on giving!
A nice scan of the photos can be found here.
Mercenary Update?
More fun around Darfur: A plane carrying around 50 armed men has landed illegally in northern Central African Republic.
Lightning kills 5 Mexican children in prayer

God WILL get you if you pray outside in front of a metal cross during a thunderstorm.
Stuntman advertises potato chips in exploding car
*Outstanding* photo series of a truly dumb-ass Serb stuntman who nearly kills himself driving off a bridge in an exploding car
Blood-sucking chupacabra goes on rampage in Russian villages
If they print it in Pravda, it must be the truth!
Spain May Grant Human Rights to Apes
Are you ready for your mandatory primate sensitivity training?

Thursday, April 27, 2006

End of the world update: NASA Says Comet Fragments Won't Hit Earth

On the other hand, NASA has a history of screwing things up FEMA-style...
Mud-eating Mongolian

1500kg over the last 12 years

Hat tip to Kara!
Police Search For Man Accused of Bestiality with Horse; Surveillance Tape Released

For a good laugh, read the editor's note at the end of the story!
Pity the poor bomb makers
Americans hunting them down and taking them out one by one.
Now that it is almost summer, how about a little gasoline price history?
Interesting chart - some guy has recorded every purchase of gasoline that he made over the last 26 years.
Pelican update
Now the FBI is looking at leaks from the investigation to the NY Times! More here.
Yet another United Nations corruption scandal
Time to pull the plug on these losers!

Wednesday, April 26, 2006

Jason's 'Argo' to be recreated in Greece
"Once the Argo is complete, citizens can volunteer to crew the 50-oar ship on Jason's journey across the Aegean, through the Bosphorus to the Black Sea and on to the coast of Georgia.

They face an arduous test, rowing for 10 to 15 hours a day"
Shark vs. Seal
in slow motion
Pirate Update
Only 4 attacks reported last week.
Henry Earl Update:

He's back in jail. His current score:

Total Number of offenses: 936
Number of days spent in jail: 3634
Average # of days per year spent in jail: 259.57
Average duration of incarceration period: 3.89 days
Average duration of time not spent in jail: 1.61 days
Pot King's Conviction Overturned
Ed Rosenthal (of Grower's Guide fame) gets off due to juror misconduct
2nd face transplant patient healing well
Yet another reason to avoid using sticks to chase away hungry bears.
Magician David Copperfield robbed after show:
"Copperfield said he pulled out all of his pockets for Riley to see he had nothing - even though he had a cell phone, passport and wallet stuffed in them."

You gotta admire a celeb who can spin an armed robbery so favorably!

Tuesday, April 25, 2006

More Charlie Sheen Allegations
Did he kill porn star Chloe Jones???
Oz's best driver ever!
"A top-level inquiry has been ordered into how a man was able to build up an incredible 121 demerit points in five years – and keep his licence.

Phillip Charles Mounfield, 24, has earned 30 years' worth of demerit points and $10,000 in fines for speeding, illegal street racing, burn-outs and other offences."
Bread And Circuses
"Consuming violence as a spectator can be a healthy and positive experience. By watching highly trained, willing participants hack and slash at each other, we're able to explore aspects of our own personalities in a safe environment."
Don't try to steal in front of police officers.
Especially if you are at the annual Police Expo
Don't touch the gawddam gavel!
Yet another reason not to piss off a judge!
Doh!
"Zidel was accused of juxtaposing the heads and faces of campers onto images that depicted the youngsters engaging in sexual activity. Those images, saved on a CD ROM, were accidentally given to the camp’s director"

Monday, April 24, 2006

Peter Braunstein Update!
He spends his days bullying fellow inmates, ogling female staff and fondling himself in public.

Sunday, April 23, 2006

TV seance claims to reach John Lennon
Hear what the dead Beatle has to say on pay-per-view for only $9.95.
They use special ghost-hunting EVP technology, so it could be fun.
BTK earns privileges for good behavior
For those who forget, BTK is Witchita's notorious "Bind Torture Kill" serial killer, who was finally caught last year after decades of killing women and taunting the police. As usual, it was the latter that did him in.
US recalls ambassador to Azerbaijan
Looks like he had a little sex-slave smuggling business on the side!
More here and here.
We Were So Close!
...to being rid of Paris Hilton once and for all.

Saturday, April 22, 2006

Scanner as musical instrument
Some dude with way too much time on his hands has programmed his scanner to play Beethoven's Fur Elise!
Classic Drunk-on-Video moment
It looks like it was recorded in E. Europe.

Friday, April 21, 2006

"Rome" Second Season Underway
We'll have to wait til next year for more of Marc Antony's demented sexual antics
Yet another celebrity pedophile!

Denise nukes Charlie!

"Richards also claims in her 17-page declaration that Sheen accessed other websites '…involving gay pornography also involving very young men who also did not look like adults.'"

Friends, this is gonna be a big one!

As always, The Smoking Gun has the document ready for our perusal.

More here and here and here and here and here and ...

Well, you get the picture.
Sex cues ruin men's decisiveness
Scientists discover that hot babes distract men

Thursday, April 20, 2006

Nepal goes nuts
25-hour shoot-to-kill curfew in Katmandu!
Malaysia denies capturing baby "Bigfoot"
Hat tip to Kara, who totally disbelieves the Malaysian authorities
Fake Breast Doc Busted
Going door-to-door offering free breast exams
Experts Find Evidence of Bosnia Pyramid
So much for the so-called "experts" who assured us it was impossible...
SUBWAY JERK OFF THE HOOK
Another NY Post classic headline
'Shoot-to-kill' curfew in Nepal
Democracy trapped between a Mad King and Crazed Communists

Wednesday, April 19, 2006

Times Shareholders: The 28 Percent Uprising
Arianna keeps on kicking Pinch
Father of 64 children jailed for raping daughters
Also has 10 wives.

Hat tip to Kara!
Woman Unknowingly Videotapes Sister's Demise
Not so funny when it's in the family eh?
Diamond ring gets flushed, then flushed out:
'All of us at the same time literally said, 'Holy crap''
Pirate Update!
6 attacks last week
The Harvest update
The Brits weigh in
CIA mines 'rich' content from blogs
Hopefully they appreciate weird news collections like this!

Tuesday, April 18, 2006

NYT shareholders mutiny against Pinch
Have they finally had enough? Will the family ditch its own???
The Alien Has Arrived
Tomkat names it "Suri"

No word yet on how Tom cooked up the placenta
German Cannibal Update!
He "didn't want to kill"...

Hat tip to Kara!
George Michael - Reckless stoner
Smokin' 25 joints a day...
Monster band creates Finnish identity crisis
Just weeks after Conan O'Brien's victory tour, the Finns are confused about themselves once again
High School Antics - Bulldozer + Classroom = Mess
See the second story ("Dozer Desperados...")
Black bear caught and killed
Suspected of mauling a family last thursday

Monday, April 17, 2006

Three-year-old glued to toilet!
It's all fun and games until someone sits on the superglue
Panama helicopter downs aircraft in drugs chase
Whatchya gonna do when they come for you?
Suspect blogged about cannibalism
He could have just tried HuFu, but he chose a 10 year old girl instead.
George Michael 'hits three cars'
Can't even park his own SUV

Sunday, April 16, 2006

Boy attacked by mountain lion in Colorado
Last week it was a bear, this week a mountain lion. The critters are hungry this spring...
Jolie's Lesbian Lust!
"Angelina is an unbelievable lesbian lover"

Saturday, April 15, 2006

What's Missing in the Media's Pellicano File
The Pelican is circling over Bill and Hillary
Iran prez arrests 4 over text message
"Stinky" Ahmadinejad can't take a joke

Friday, April 14, 2006

The ghosts of Ypres past return
Every spring, several fallen soldiers from WWI are dug (or more often plowed) up in the former battlefield. Last week, three more.
3 cruel battles, 500,000 dead in an area of 25 square kilometers. 90,000 still listed as MIA.
Fidel expels Czecho diplomat
Uppity Czechs have been pushing the EU to impose sanctions on Cuba due to human rights violations.
Serial Killer Update!
The ghost of notorious killer-clown John Wayne Gacy haunting two people who purchased a DVD of a police crime scene video recorded at his home back when he was arrested.
End of the World Update: Earth to be struck by comet on May 25.
T-41 days and counting...

Let it never be said that you weren't warned!
Tom Cruise says fiancee Holmes is a Scientologist
Resistance is futile - you will be absorbed

Thursday, April 13, 2006

David Lee Roth's radio show struggling
"Dead man talking" and "train wreck" are some of the kinder things they are saying...
Eurovision voting scandal uncovered!!!
Global Eurotrash shocker!
The Imaginary City
Never underestimate the amazing abilities of any individual.
Girl's heart restarted after ten years
"Piggy-back hearts"!?!? Something ungodly going on here!
Black magic doesn't fly with airline
Drunk Russian gypsy celebrity gets irate after attendants take away her "red water"
Warsaw Pact Attack Plans Revealed
Polish troops were expected to occupy Denmark within three days. The use of about 200 short-range nuclear warheads was envisaged. Some 30 to 40 percent of the troops were expected to be killed or injured.

The Warsaw Pact, ostensibly called a defensive organization of the Soviet-led bloc, had mainly aggressive plans in its secret files.

Wednesday, April 12, 2006

Canadian Bandidos membership dips to three
Internal cleansing will do that to ya
Pilot caught trying to fly plane while drunk
Yet another reason to avoid flying Air Deccan
Tyson bails from rehab
Maybe he should hook up with Whitney and be coke fiends together.
Cats in Sinks
Go figure...

Hat tip to Kara!

Tuesday, April 11, 2006

15th Great Easter Bunny Hunt!
"It is very hard to get the message across that although these look like cute cuddly creatures we want them dead"
New telescope scans the sky for alien life
Aliens may not sell in Switzerland, but they do in Cambridge, MA
Erich von Daeniken needs SFr 4 million ASAP.
Ancient astronauts, aliens and the paranormal just doesn't sell in Interlaken.
Marine Corps sacks three commanders
A Lt. Col. and 2 Captains in his batallion sacked - the batallion itself is being investigated for an action that led to the deaths of 15 Iraqi civilians.
Merrill, Goldman Workers Arrested for Insider Trading
Good one - among other things, they had a dude working in a printing plant stealing pre-publication copies of Business Week
Duke Scandal Update:
DNA evidence does not match any of the lacrosse team members. Legions of the politcally correct are utterly crestfallen. But the D.A. faces a primary election in May, so he's going to continue the investigation.
Child Bullfighter!
Hat tip to Kara
Canadian Bandidos totally wiped out?
Internal cleansing, plus arrest of cleansers leaves the Ontario meth market wide open for the Hells Angels.
Pirate Update!
4 attacks last week, including a fishing boat seized off Somalia. Crew and vessel now being held for ransom.

Monday, April 10, 2006

Payola Six: The Spiderweb of Understanding
Gawker's excellent chart of who's who in the scandal
Bandido massacre update:
It was an "internal cleansing", not the Hells Angels.
Political correct stupidity in MY neighborhood.
The blathering idiocy of my neighbors never ceases to amaze me.
Vatican exorcist warns of Harry Potter:
"'By reading Harry Potter a young child will be drawn into magic and from there it is a simple step to Satanism and the Devil'"
2 charged with filing fake obituary
They wanted a few days off work.
Serial Killer Update: Ed Gein's land up for sale for $250k
For those who are unaware, Ed Gein is one of the all time classic serial killers from the 1950's.
Canadian mass murders linked to motorcycle gang
“I can tell you that it’s Bandidos that got killed”
Poison plant fuels suicide bids

Yellow oleander seed - one's enough to off you.
Beaumont police arrest perverts in the park
They do it Texas style - with lots of fotos of the pervs.
Mexican-flag burners plan more protests

Like I said a few weeks back, it's gonna get a lot worse. In fact, it's only just begun...
All play, no pay for Page Fix

The Page 6 scandal continues - let's just see how far it spreads...
Battle of the Sexless
Philly - Castration Capital of America! Who'd a thunk?
France surrenders to itself
The worm and the weasel throw in the towel.

Sunday, April 09, 2006

Mugabe buys support of top army officers as discontent swells in ranks

Dragging the Army down with him as Zimbabwe disintegrates.
Politically Incorrect at Adidas

Images of the offending sneaker and logo can be found here
Bush 'is planning nuclear strikes on Iran's secret sites'
The party's over - the cops are here...
Lubbock pastor faces prostitution charges
He brought an African woman to the States, promising a college education.
Pelican update! He apparently has taped Nicole Kidman and Tom Cruise having "very private and very intimate" phone conversations, possibly discussing "the reasons for their divorce.

Supposedly they are so embarassing that Tom and Nic "could retreat out of the Hollywood spotlight completely."

And now the FBI has them. How long until you do too?
Yacht maker sacks topless dinghy girls
with uncensored photo of the girls

Saturday, April 08, 2006

The police, the PM and the psychic
"A Senior Australian Federal Police officer has been suspended for consulting a clairvoyant over a threat to assassinate Prime Minister John Howard."
MyDeathSpace
Archiving the myspace webpages of those who died.
James Bond Submarine goes under the gavel
“We’re very pleased to offer the actual, functional submersible that was used in the 1977 James Bond thriller ‘The Spy Who Loved Me.’"
HARRY AND THE LAPDANCERS
The Daily Mirror gets the scoop straight from the stripper's mouth.
Monk's 'uncorrupted' corpse to stay on display
Reasonably intact after 15 years of burial
Monk's 'uncorrupted' corpse to stay on display
Reasonably intact after 15 years of burial
The trip of a lifetime
Psilocybin for the terminally ill!
"Virgin Mary Stone" is going on eBay!
No doubt the Golden Palace Casino will want add it to their collection.
Online games replace monsters with sex:
"Naughty America: The Game,"
Prince Harry spotted at strip club
Upholding the dignity of the Royal family, just like dear old Dad.
Page Six Scandal Update:
"We know how to destroy people," Mr. Stern said, according to a person reading a transcript of the meeting. "It's what we do. We do it without creating liability. That's our specialty."

More here and here and here.

Friday, April 07, 2006

South Park Takes on the Mohammed Cartoons

The blogosphere ignites over South Park's latest.

More here, and here, and here , and here, and here

Well, you get the idea...
Missing Candidate Baffles Police:
'He is a totally clean-living guy,' she said. 'He doesn't drink or smoke or anything.'

Maybe that's his problem?
Gossip Writer Probed in Extortion Plot
Page Six flunky wanted $100k plus $10k per year!
Speedy robot legs it to break record:
"Fastest robot on two legs"
Just too wild!
High school kids get to split $1.2 million as a result of the infamous lame-o SWAT drug raid at their school.

Thursday, April 06, 2006

The telepathic chiropractor:
"He claims that for $60 he can usually cure folks of what ails them just by talking to them over the phone."
South Park wins Peabody Award!
"The judges felt that it was a bold program that probably offends just about everybody at some point and in doing so reminds us that we need to be tolerant"
South Park Takes On Islamists, Cowardly Broadcast Executives, And Family Guy
A conservative blog praises South Park!

(Apologies to Tom for mentioning "Family Guy"...)
Pete Doherty Quote of the Day
The gift that keeps on giving...
NYPD Detectives Convicted of Mob Murders
Highly decorated, they killed 8 for a $4000/month stipend.
One-Eyed Kitten to Be Centerpiece of Creationism Museum
It should feel at home surrounded by others who also lack depth perception.
New Whitney Scandal: Crack Turned Her Into A Power Dyke! "When Whitney is high on crack, she 'takes part in lesbian sex, chases any man who comes into her house, and locks herself for hours on end in her bathroom to use her vast collection of sex toys."'
Duke Rape Case E-mail Shocker
"The e-mail from McFadyen's account notes that, after the strippers were killed, they would be skinned while the author was 'cumming in my duke issue spandex."
Stranded Czech man survives on frogs
No, this is not a Frenchy cannibal update. You'll have to wait a few more weeks for that...
Panama Canal Clogged!
Global economy so good that there is too much commerce. Not that you'd ever hear about it if you get your news from ABC / CBS / NBC...

Wednesday, April 05, 2006

3 arrested in baby shower brawl
One man was shot and several other people, including the seven-months-pregnant guest of honor, were beaten with a stick.
Beer for Toads!
"While the debate continues about how to control the rampant pests, it seems those benefiting most are the local newspaper editors. In addition to crocodiles, they can now use toads to create increasingly bizarre headlines."
Modern Academia Update
Perhaps calling for the death of 90% of humanity isn't the smartest idea after all.
Crackhead Update
Even the Australians are kicking Whitney Houston while she's down.
California town on sale on eBay

If anyone is interested, you could get "three cows, eight houses, and a post office" for $1.75 million.
More proof the West is doomed
Paris Hilton to portray Mother Theresa?!?
Smart Talk and Girly Talk on the Campaign Trail:
Computer text-analysis shows: President Bush and Vice President Cheney sounded more presidential than their Democratic counterparts. Sen. John F. Kerry (Mass.) seemed the most depressed or suicidal. And Kerry's running mate, Sen. John Edwards (N.C.), sounded the most like a 'girly man.'
Pirate Update!
4 attacks last week, including the seizure of 19 crewmembers, now being held for ransom along with their ship.

Tuesday, April 04, 2006

Mother gets jail for handcuffing daughter
She stole from mom's ganja stash...
Politically Incorrect in Italy
Silvio Berlusconi, the gift that keeps on giving!
Pelican Snares Director of 'Predator'
Slowly circling in on Hillary...
Something special coming up tonight:

"Next Wednesday at two minutes and three seconds after 1:00AM, the time and date will be 01:02:03 04/05/06.

That won't ever happen again --- ever.

Enjoy it while it lasts!!"

[Ed: Well, it won't happen again at least for another century, but enjoy nonetheless!]
Gold nanoparticles to trap toxins
Or, as Cortez once said, "We know a sickness of the heart that only gold can cure..."

Monday, April 03, 2006

Anti-gun activist's son arrested
Is that a sawed off rifle in your pants, or are you just happy to see us?

Sunday, April 02, 2006

Suge Knight could lose Death Row Records
Dumb-ass misses court hearing about his assets; now everything is set for auction.

Saturday, April 01, 2006

France Teeters on Brink of Anarchy
6th Republic coming our way!
Police brought in as teachers lose control at Berlin school
"Meine Damen und Herren, in wenigen Minuten erreichen wir den Untergang..."
Kenya burns 1.1 metric tons of cocaine
Incinerator damaged due to high temperatures.

Henry Earl Update:
"Henry's a free man, and probably heading for the liquor store or plasma center as you read this."

Number of offenses: 935
Number of days spent in jail: 3634
Cute Overload
"An overwhelming amount of cuteness to fill your daily visual allowance"
'Kosher' Cell Phones
"There's no text messaging, no Internet access, no video options, no camera. More than 10,000 numbers for phone sex, dating services and other offerings are blocked. A team of rabbinical overseers makes sure the list is up to date."
Mother upset over porn in brand new DVD player
"I felt my heart hit the ground that my children had to see that. I was disgusted."
Family bombs together in Minnesota